Time to Move

I’ve decided I need to consolidate my blogs so I’m not going to be updating this one anymore. Instead I’m going to be continuing the 50 questions here. This Cutscenes blog will forever be associated in my mind with tracking my breast cancer treatment and so I’d like to draw a line under it – although obviously keep it on the internet should I ever wish to go back and remind myself what chemo was like lol ūüôā For anyone who has been popping by thank you for reading and if you want to keep following me probably best to find me on www.bravetank.wordpress.com

 

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Question 17/50

Qu 17. What is preventing you from pursuing your primary passion in life?

 

Probably the same as most people – time & money. I need to work for money to pay bills, keep a roof over our head etc. but working takes up time that I can’t spend pursuing my primary passion in life. And my primary passion in life often changes! Right now I’m obsessed with the idea of ultra runs and also travelling to lots of different places to walk long trails, climb mountains, camp, go wild swimming, stay at log cabins, eat lots of home made bread, drink wine while sitting out on a porch in some remote place staring up at the stars. Basically living a very different life from the one I currently live. Family commitments also stop this from happening. Although both husband and daughter would enjoy aspects of that life, the walking/running/endurance stuff is not for my daughter right now – although she’d jump at the chance of moving to Canada or Alaska!

Question 16/50

Qu 16. What lies are you currently telling yourself and others about who you are, what‚Äôs important to you and what you’re passionate about?

 

  1. I think people think I’m more passionate about studying than I am. I can’t say I’ve ever loved studying – I’ve just had the grit to get on with it. I seem to be lacking grit at the moment and I’m struggling to finish off my ILM assignment, my Diploma in Style Coaching exam and the studying I need to do for PSMII. I’m also struggling to update websites/blogs and basically write anything. ¬†My husband says it’s because I’m using up all my energy on my day job and the running I’m doing in my spare time and he’s probably right. I feel absolutely exhausted right now and really tearful.
  2. I still find myself missing playing games like Minecraft and WoW so I guess the lie I tell myself there is that those things aren’t important to me. But they were and at some level still are. I really really miss Minecraft at the moment. Just want to lose myself digging for iron which might be the saddest thing I’ve ever typed.
  3. I sometimes say promotion and grade don’t matter to me but in truth getting to the grade I’m at remains one of my best achievements and I do want to get to the next grade.
  4. I don’t so much lie as just not do some of the things I really get the urge to do like hiking/ wild camping and/or renting a log cabin by a lake. Both of those things are typical horror film activities though and I’d probably be terrified once I got there. While I’m thinking about horror though – I don’t read enough generally and certainly I don’t read enough horror which used to be a passion.
  5. I don’t do the cycling/wine tours of France & Italy I’d like to do- but I’d probably spend more time drinking wine than cycling. My love of wine is a passion I try to deny to myself with varying degrees of success.¬†I also deny my passion for baking bread and cakes as I’m trying to lose weight and my passion for cooked dinners, curries, pasta, pizza, dessert – basically all food that contains calories.
  6. I deny my passion (or is it just enjoyment of?) ¬†programming – I can’t seem to fit it in with my life at present and I can’t see a direct application for it and it would take too long to get good at just one thing let alone all the things I want to do so I have ¬†stopped (apart from a little play around with React a few days ago which I ¬†enjoyed).
  7. There’s probably loads more but I’m just too tired to continue ūüôā

 

Questions 12-15/50

Qu 12. What are your top 5 most prominent core values? (If you’re unsure about how to answer this question, come back to it after the next section in the course)¬†Qu 13. How do your life and work currently reflect those values?¬†Qu 14. Which of your top values are you ignoring or not giving enough attention?¬†Qu 15. How are you currently living outside of your own integrity?

 

I’m going to try to answer all of these together as they are so interrelated. My 5 most prominent core values are:-

  1. Achievement
  2. Kindness
  3. Freedom
  4. Security
  5. Stimulation

My life and work reflect Security, partly Achievement and (I hope) Kindness but not really Freedom nor Stimulation that often (although the latter is changing and this might in time change both Freedom & Achievement). I don’t think I’m living outside my integrity as such but I think the type of Achievement I want is changing and that’s a little unsettling at the moment. I also think that’s changing the type of Freedom I want – and again that’s causing me to doubt the decisions I’ve made over the past couple of months. I basically think I’m still at a bit of a turning point in my life but I’m scared to say “Yes This Is It” because I seem to have been here before and then changed my mind further down the line. This might be the negative side of the Stimulation value – I get interested in too many things but also get bored!

 

Question 11/50

Qu 11. During an average week, how much of your time is spent doing things you dislike or that you feel waste your time?

Hmm. I think I would have answered this differently two weeks ago when I was feeling fairly demotivated in work, but I’m now really enjoying my job again, getting stuck into things and feeling valued. So don’t really dislike anything or feel like it’s wasting my time. However, if it’s a week where I have to attend a group training course then I feel differently – I’m not enjoying group training courses at the moment. That said I’m also ¬†feeling a bit fed up doing my ILM assignment (about 4 hours a week) and studying for my PSMII exam (failed first attempt as I tried to wing it without any studying which is very unlike me!) – just generally not enjoying much in the way of studying at the moment!

Question 10/50

Qu 10. Consider a previous or current job – what specific activities have you done that you dislike and never want to do again?

  1. Chambermaiding in the university summer holidays – hated it with a passion. However hard I worked I was always too slow and fell behind everyone else. Changing kingsized bed sheets is really hard work and the starch on the sheets caused my hands to break out in eczema.
  2. I used to say lecturing. I used to get really nervous beforehand. However,  I now remember that when I was actually doing it I enjoyed it and I had good feedback. So I think I disliked the nerves beforehand but enjoyed the lecturing itself.
  3. Going to conferences and giving papers. Again I was so nervous beforehand. But unlike lecturing I also did not enjoy the process of delivering the paper, dealing with questions (although there were rarely many) and all the conference networking afterwards. I used to escape to my room as soon as I could. I turned down ¬†opportunities to go to Australia & Washington to present papers on my book – that’s how much I disliked the process!
  4. Doing anything in work that involves presenting to people I’m intimidated by. I end up preparing to the nth degree yet still losing the ability to speak. I make up words or basically go catatonic ¬†(I once said “errrrr” for what seemed like eternity – all I was trying to do was recall the name of the Director’s PA.) Nightmare.
  5. Going on training courses – I enjoy being a tutor/trainer but not being part of a training cohort. I get frustrated every time the trainer asks a question and no one answers. If I know the answer I usually don’t want to give it, but then sometimes I do, just to move things alone. But also I hate it when there are games and people get so competitive, when extroverts dominate, when everyone sucks up to the trainer and when the trainer makes huge assumptions about me just based on the fact I’m quiet and reflective. I hate those sorts of training days with a passion.

Question 9/50

Qu 9. Consider a previous or current job – what specific activities have you done that you enjoy and find engaging?

I remember really enjoying being an accounts clerk in my university summer holidays. The previous year I’d been a chambermaid, which I absolutely hated, so I was delighted when I got the accounts clerk position.

The work involved basically sorting invoices and entering them onto a database, and helping customers with queries about their accounts. I loved the repetitive nature of the invoice/database work. You didn’t have to think too hard – you could just get on with things quietly, focus on the job and get so much done.

I also remember really helping a particular customer ¬†– I can’t remember what the issue was but I remember running around to different departments, doing a lot of digging, searching for old invoices and statements, basically trying to figure out what had gone wrong. ¬†I loved it. I loved getting to the bottom of it, resolving the situation and seeing how happy she was.

I also took part in the warehouse audit where we went around each department counting everything. Again I enjoyed this. There was a real sense of team spirit the whole firm pulling together. I also liked establishing order, categorising things, checklists and ticks! Basically anything that requires good organisation and structure appeals to me even if the activity itself is repetitive. I think this is what attracted me to programming.

In another job  (heading up an operational area) I loved the data analysis side Рlooking at what the stats showed, identifying patterns and trends and using these to debunk misinformation about the area. There is power in data and I love it when we can utilise this power.

But I’ve also enjoyed every time I’ve needed to pull ¬†together a group of people, maybe to pass on some difficult messages, and been able to turn this into something positive, a moment where they come together as individuals but leave as a team with a strong sense of mission. It sounds so corny but I love it when I can tap into something with a group of people and see that I’ve moved them, inspired them, motivated them. And usually all it takes is a moment of truth, a telling it as it is with honesty and authenticity, and of course showing them that you believe in them and that they can meet the challenges ahead. I’ve ¬†always enjoyed being the champion of the underdog.

And finally in all my jobs I’ve loved the 1-2-1 time when I’ve been able to truly engage with someone, really understand who they are and help them resolve some issue/difficult situation in work. I know what it’s like to feel overlooked/ignored/taken for granted etc (pretty much my current situation – and there is no one I feel I can turn to in work for help and support right now). ¬†I really try to make sure ¬†the people who work to me never feel that way, that they know I have their backs and I will support them. I think that has been the best part of any job I’ve done.